Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Consolidated Blogs...
I've finally stopped compartmentalizing who I am and have consolidated all of my blogs at Exploring our Potential
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Intamacy
Wow, who would have thought that I'd be at such a stall on blogs as I am undergoing this journey. Not me for sure.
I professed my life as an open book yet when it came to these real conversations surrounding body image and what lies beneath... I was keeping it hidden, keeping it a secret. Mostly from myself.
It is coming to the end of week 3 in my 8 week engagement with Louise surrounding the topic of my "Whole Healthy Self" and the invitations have been huge, making for fantastic insights.
Week one Louise left me with the notion of Secret ~vs~ Private. Although I wrote down a note to ponder that over the week I knew deep inside of me that if I allowed myself to go there it would have consequences. So I did not look at it again.
Week two Louise dove into that conversation with me and the insights I had were huge. Suddenly there was this elephant hanging around my neck... what I knew was always there, yet did not want to see because it holds consequences with it.
What did I hold as something I was needing in my life but the implications to recognize it were to huge for me to feel safe telling myself my truth? Lack of Intimacy.
Knowing that who I have chosen to share a life with has not accessed that which is within himself. Knowing this for a number of years yet I allowed that void to be reflected back at me as my being to needy. So for a few years now I have struggled to keep that "neediness" out of our relationship. Turning to food for comfort when normally one would turn to their partner.
Having had conversations where I've expressed my need for that intimacy and connection, and hearing him say that just isn't who he is... Sucking that back up and silencing it so I can go on keeping my family intact and appearing to be happy.
Comfortably Numb is more like it (thanks for that 'numb' reference today Amy it is now clicking).
Keeping that part of me that needs to be replenished, rejuvenated, seen, heard and celebrated tucked way down inside of me so I didn't have to face the fact that without it... I am not the full expression of who I know I am.
Constantly filling up on food where that is truly not what I need nor want in those times. After dark... when everyone has gone to bed.
The food numbing the feelings inside. The food replacing what I didn't know was accessible to others... intimacy... it's not about sex... it's about connection... it's about comfort... it's about being the crucible and the spear at the same time and sharing that openly with the partner you choose to have in your life.
This is who I am... I'm not asking for you to agree with me, believe what I believe or assimilate. I am asking to be a crucible where I feel I can be...
Be seen for who I am.
Be heard for what I say.
Be recognized for what I've done.
Be held when I need the strength.
It shouldn't be a struggle. It shouldn't be hard. It should just be. And if you don't feel you have that within... what is going to become?
I am.
I will no longer hide from myself.
These cloaks I have put on over the years (cloaks = pounds) are coming off, I am through hiding behind them.
Tomorrow is a new day... and there is always more.
I professed my life as an open book yet when it came to these real conversations surrounding body image and what lies beneath... I was keeping it hidden, keeping it a secret. Mostly from myself.
It is coming to the end of week 3 in my 8 week engagement with Louise surrounding the topic of my "Whole Healthy Self" and the invitations have been huge, making for fantastic insights.
Week one Louise left me with the notion of Secret ~vs~ Private. Although I wrote down a note to ponder that over the week I knew deep inside of me that if I allowed myself to go there it would have consequences. So I did not look at it again.
Week two Louise dove into that conversation with me and the insights I had were huge. Suddenly there was this elephant hanging around my neck... what I knew was always there, yet did not want to see because it holds consequences with it.
What did I hold as something I was needing in my life but the implications to recognize it were to huge for me to feel safe telling myself my truth? Lack of Intimacy.
Knowing that who I have chosen to share a life with has not accessed that which is within himself. Knowing this for a number of years yet I allowed that void to be reflected back at me as my being to needy. So for a few years now I have struggled to keep that "neediness" out of our relationship. Turning to food for comfort when normally one would turn to their partner.
Having had conversations where I've expressed my need for that intimacy and connection, and hearing him say that just isn't who he is... Sucking that back up and silencing it so I can go on keeping my family intact and appearing to be happy.
Comfortably Numb is more like it (thanks for that 'numb' reference today Amy it is now clicking).
Keeping that part of me that needs to be replenished, rejuvenated, seen, heard and celebrated tucked way down inside of me so I didn't have to face the fact that without it... I am not the full expression of who I know I am.
Constantly filling up on food where that is truly not what I need nor want in those times. After dark... when everyone has gone to bed.
The food numbing the feelings inside. The food replacing what I didn't know was accessible to others... intimacy... it's not about sex... it's about connection... it's about comfort... it's about being the crucible and the spear at the same time and sharing that openly with the partner you choose to have in your life.
This is who I am... I'm not asking for you to agree with me, believe what I believe or assimilate. I am asking to be a crucible where I feel I can be...
Be seen for who I am.
Be heard for what I say.
Be recognized for what I've done.
Be held when I need the strength.
It shouldn't be a struggle. It shouldn't be hard. It should just be. And if you don't feel you have that within... what is going to become?
I am.
I will no longer hide from myself.
These cloaks I have put on over the years (cloaks = pounds) are coming off, I am through hiding behind them.
Tomorrow is a new day... and there is always more.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Things to notice... things to consider... things to honor
Some fear and lots of rage as well. For me I sucked it up at home, fed my rage instead of expressing it... the irrational fear underlying this was if I spoke up I would be dismissed or passed off... which for me equalled being unloved. I would only allow myself to express my rage at school, through bullying and rebellion.
Not engaging in my fire as it arises. This cloak I wear allows me to stay small in the times I choose. To remain well liked and not a bitch. It allowed me to be tough to create a facade and demand to be seen. I remember giving food to others, trying to buy their love and affection, buying friendships. Trying to express to others their worth to me by buying them things.
Cloaking myself so I can build a thick skin...
Often told I am too sensitive and take things to heart, that I'm messed up... I needed a thick skin to get by. So I fed the rage that I felt as I was being passed off or disregarded.
Shoveled food in my mouth at the dinner table... forcing it down as I tried to hold back the tears.
Feeding my rage after a fight with my sister instead of standing up for myself... not wanting to express my rage because that would make me like her. So I would leave and eat at a friends house... then come back home and eat again as her apologies often came in the form of an especially delicious treat.
It was one fucked up reality... and I survived it, I built up my outer shell and made myself toughen up... to suck it up.
So here I am at 31 yrs old... feeling I am ready to conquer the world, and I wonder why I am hanging on to this cloak?
Do I still feel the need to have a thick skin, a protective barrier?
Do I still think others will judge me? And who cares?
With my words and actions I have no fear of judgement... why is my appearances still a stumbling block for me?
It's soon time for me to get connected with my body... over due I think.
What do I see?
How do I feel in my own skin?
What is it like to notice me... without filters or judgment?
This week this is my main focus... notice how it feels. Notice when the rage bubbles up and what triggers it. Notice why I am engaging in the behaviours when I engage in them... noticing how my body feels when I do it.
Taking time to listen to my body, honoring my needs, sleep, rest, thirst, move, etc.
Not engaging in my fire as it arises. This cloak I wear allows me to stay small in the times I choose. To remain well liked and not a bitch. It allowed me to be tough to create a facade and demand to be seen. I remember giving food to others, trying to buy their love and affection, buying friendships. Trying to express to others their worth to me by buying them things.
Cloaking myself so I can build a thick skin...
Often told I am too sensitive and take things to heart, that I'm messed up... I needed a thick skin to get by. So I fed the rage that I felt as I was being passed off or disregarded.
Shoveled food in my mouth at the dinner table... forcing it down as I tried to hold back the tears.
Feeding my rage after a fight with my sister instead of standing up for myself... not wanting to express my rage because that would make me like her. So I would leave and eat at a friends house... then come back home and eat again as her apologies often came in the form of an especially delicious treat.
It was one fucked up reality... and I survived it, I built up my outer shell and made myself toughen up... to suck it up.
So here I am at 31 yrs old... feeling I am ready to conquer the world, and I wonder why I am hanging on to this cloak?
Do I still feel the need to have a thick skin, a protective barrier?
Do I still think others will judge me? And who cares?
With my words and actions I have no fear of judgement... why is my appearances still a stumbling block for me?
It's soon time for me to get connected with my body... over due I think.
What do I see?
How do I feel in my own skin?
What is it like to notice me... without filters or judgment?
This week this is my main focus... notice how it feels. Notice when the rage bubbles up and what triggers it. Notice why I am engaging in the behaviours when I engage in them... noticing how my body feels when I do it.
Taking time to listen to my body, honoring my needs, sleep, rest, thirst, move, etc.
Monday, November 5, 2007
The Conversations Begin
I'm about to embark on these conversations with Louise... after 28 years of battling with weight.
What do I hope to happen at the end of these conversations?
What do I hope to happen at the end of these conversations?
- Metabolizing the information
- Honoring the waves
- Consciously choosing in the moment
- Breathing
- Moving
- Integrating
- Living
- Being
It begins now...
Sunday, October 28, 2007
It's not about Will Power
It's been a week since I left Oceanstone and the Huna Retreat. There was one point during the weekend when we were having a conversation about the 3 selves that something different resonated for me.
For those who are not familiar with the 3 selves it is depicted almost like a snowman made of equal sized parts. All of these parts embody your being. Higher Self (signal, impulse, intuition), Middle Self (intellect, analysing) and Lower Self (Body, feeling, physical cues, processing).
In this particular conversation Louise was talking about how we are taught to cut off part of ourselves... that these 3 things are not all us. And in this conversation she was talking about how we use our intellect to control or dictate ourselves into submission (i.e. will power) and by doing so we ignore what else might be going on (bigger picture).
This clicked for me in my whole eating conversation. I have tried and tried, over and over to use will power to change my behavior. It changes, temporarily. But inevitably my body signals are responding (i.e. I get pissed off at someone/something, I get depressed/sad) and instead of engaging in those feelings and breathing through them, I choose to shove food in my mouth to suppress them.
This isn't working for me (obviously I'm still here writing about it).
So the question is... how do I engage from here? Do I merely stand in the place of my authentic self, moment to moment. Engaging or changing my mind however I feel compelled to live? Or is there something else here?
I don't know for sure. But what I do know is that will power isn't a be all and end all for me (it might work for some but it hasn't been for me yet).
How is my transformation going to unfold? Who can say for sure... it hasn't happened yet. But it has begun.
I'm looking forward to engaging in these conversations soon.
I know what it isn't about. Does it really matter what it is about?
For those who are not familiar with the 3 selves it is depicted almost like a snowman made of equal sized parts. All of these parts embody your being. Higher Self (signal, impulse, intuition), Middle Self (intellect, analysing) and Lower Self (Body, feeling, physical cues, processing).
In this particular conversation Louise was talking about how we are taught to cut off part of ourselves... that these 3 things are not all us. And in this conversation she was talking about how we use our intellect to control or dictate ourselves into submission (i.e. will power) and by doing so we ignore what else might be going on (bigger picture).
This clicked for me in my whole eating conversation. I have tried and tried, over and over to use will power to change my behavior. It changes, temporarily. But inevitably my body signals are responding (i.e. I get pissed off at someone/something, I get depressed/sad) and instead of engaging in those feelings and breathing through them, I choose to shove food in my mouth to suppress them.
This isn't working for me (obviously I'm still here writing about it).
So the question is... how do I engage from here? Do I merely stand in the place of my authentic self, moment to moment. Engaging or changing my mind however I feel compelled to live? Or is there something else here?
I don't know for sure. But what I do know is that will power isn't a be all and end all for me (it might work for some but it hasn't been for me yet).
How is my transformation going to unfold? Who can say for sure... it hasn't happened yet. But it has begun.
I'm looking forward to engaging in these conversations soon.
I know what it isn't about. Does it really matter what it is about?
Friday, October 19, 2007
See no Evil, Speak no Evil, Hear no Evil
So how difficult and I allowing this one to be?
Is it because this is the biggest most intense information that is held within my body?
Is it because in every cell I hold information from my past, from the names, from the looks, from the well intended yet misguided "help" to get me to lose weight?
Is it because I am still allowing myself to be a victim to my past? To allow those thoughts of disgust in who I am and what I look like to still reside in my body and ultimately limit who I am and will become?
I know that in these conversations lie the key to my lifelong happiness.
I know that these thoughts are so immense inside of me and I have not let them out because of their intensity.
I know that conversations surrounding obesity and body image make others uncomfortable.
I know that people automatically try to make it better for you by dismissing it in a way. Whether it is by telling you how beautiful you are as a person, that this is all they see and notice. Or by telling you what to eat or not eat. Or by telling you that you just need to replace it with exercises. End of conversations.
You stop because you know they are uncomfortable or don't understand and nothing moves. You bottle those feelings and emotions back up because really nobody wants to speak of such a disgusting and undesirable topic. For me one of the reasons I eat is to supress feelings... and the cycle resumes.
Seclusion. Shame. Self hate. Self deprecating talk. Guilt. RAGE.
Feeling of having this burden to carry around for the rest of my life... alone... my personal fight.
This isn't working for me. Should it be? Should I just be able to suck it up and stick it out? Get it done? Yet each time I do... it doesn't last.
Something is triggered eventually that I allow myself to enter the cycle once again.
I am afraid of what I am about to embark on with Louise. I am also very excited as I know IT WILL NO LONGER HAVE ANY HOLD ON ME!!!
Is it because this is the biggest most intense information that is held within my body?
Is it because in every cell I hold information from my past, from the names, from the looks, from the well intended yet misguided "help" to get me to lose weight?
Is it because I am still allowing myself to be a victim to my past? To allow those thoughts of disgust in who I am and what I look like to still reside in my body and ultimately limit who I am and will become?
I know that in these conversations lie the key to my lifelong happiness.
I know that these thoughts are so immense inside of me and I have not let them out because of their intensity.
I know that conversations surrounding obesity and body image make others uncomfortable.
I know that people automatically try to make it better for you by dismissing it in a way. Whether it is by telling you how beautiful you are as a person, that this is all they see and notice. Or by telling you what to eat or not eat. Or by telling you that you just need to replace it with exercises. End of conversations.
You stop because you know they are uncomfortable or don't understand and nothing moves. You bottle those feelings and emotions back up because really nobody wants to speak of such a disgusting and undesirable topic. For me one of the reasons I eat is to supress feelings... and the cycle resumes.
Seclusion. Shame. Self hate. Self deprecating talk. Guilt. RAGE.
Feeling of having this burden to carry around for the rest of my life... alone... my personal fight.
This isn't working for me. Should it be? Should I just be able to suck it up and stick it out? Get it done? Yet each time I do... it doesn't last.
Something is triggered eventually that I allow myself to enter the cycle once again.
I am afraid of what I am about to embark on with Louise. I am also very excited as I know IT WILL NO LONGER HAVE ANY HOLD ON ME!!!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
It's not about what I think it's about...
There is such shame and stigma surrounding the conversations of food, disorders and obesity that people like to try to hid from them and from themselves.
In a conversation tonight I mentioned to my friend about my engaging with Louise in conversations revolving around food, eating disorders, obesity and all the conversations in between.
She expressed to me that she knew this as Louise had referred to it in a blog entry surrounding upcoming events/projects. (I guess I need to check in the blogs more often over the weekends). And she also expressed her consciousness surrounding feeling like she wasn't as strong as she should be (physically).
I had a conversation with my father tonight as well. (Hi Dad!) As I told him about what I will be engaging with Louise about over the next 6 weeks or so (starting soon, not yet). He shared that he also feels a little self conscious at times now that he is not able to be as active as he has always been (running daily 10 km to walking to biking) due to his hips.
I also received an email from a WEL-Systems Catalyst whom I have not yet met. He wanted to write to me about my recent blog entry No Quick Fix and shared with me his experiences from his past surrounding similar issues. The waves that e-mail brought me are still lingering.
All of these conversations tonight reminded me that although as an obese woman (ugh I've never referred to myself as that before, I don't know if I will ever do it again) I may feel so very alone and that not many understand me or what I go through so many people are going through similar things and it all surrounds body image... and really what does that boil down to?
How do you... within yourself... feel about what you see in the mirror?
In a conversation tonight I mentioned to my friend about my engaging with Louise in conversations revolving around food, eating disorders, obesity and all the conversations in between.
She expressed to me that she knew this as Louise had referred to it in a blog entry surrounding upcoming events/projects. (I guess I need to check in the blogs more often over the weekends). And she also expressed her consciousness surrounding feeling like she wasn't as strong as she should be (physically).
I had a conversation with my father tonight as well. (Hi Dad!) As I told him about what I will be engaging with Louise about over the next 6 weeks or so (starting soon, not yet). He shared that he also feels a little self conscious at times now that he is not able to be as active as he has always been (running daily 10 km to walking to biking) due to his hips.
I also received an email from a WEL-Systems Catalyst whom I have not yet met. He wanted to write to me about my recent blog entry No Quick Fix and shared with me his experiences from his past surrounding similar issues. The waves that e-mail brought me are still lingering.
All of these conversations tonight reminded me that although as an obese woman (ugh I've never referred to myself as that before, I don't know if I will ever do it again) I may feel so very alone and that not many understand me or what I go through so many people are going through similar things and it all surrounds body image... and really what does that boil down to?
How do you... within yourself... feel about what you see in the mirror?
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