Intamacy

Wow, who would have thought that I'd be at such a stall on blogs as I am undergoing this journey. Not me for sure.

I professed my life as an open book yet when it came to these real conversations surrounding body image and what lies beneath... I was keeping it hidden, keeping it a secret. Mostly from myself.

It is coming to the end of week 3 in my 8 week engagement with Louise surrounding the topic of my "Whole Healthy Self" and the invitations have been huge, making for fantastic insights.

Week one Louise left me with the notion of Secret ~vs~ Private. Although I wrote down a note to ponder that over the week I knew deep inside of me that if I allowed myself to go there it would have consequences. So I did not look at it again.

Week two Louise dove into that conversation with me and the insights I had were huge. Suddenly there was this elephant hanging around my neck... what I knew was always there, yet did not want to see because it holds consequences with it.

What did I hold as something I was needing in my life but the implications to recognize it were to huge for me to feel safe telling myself my truth? Lack of Intimacy.

Knowing that who I have chosen to share a life with has not accessed that which is within himself. Knowing this for a number of years yet I allowed that void to be reflected back at me as my being to needy. So for a few years now I have struggled to keep that "neediness" out of our relationship. Turning to food for comfort when normally one would turn to their partner.

Having had conversations where I've expressed my need for that intimacy and connection, and hearing him say that just isn't who he is... Sucking that back up and silencing it so I can go on keeping my family intact and appearing to be happy.

Comfortably Numb is more like it (thanks for that 'numb' reference today Amy it is now clicking).

Keeping that part of me that needs to be replenished, rejuvenated, seen, heard and celebrated tucked way down inside of me so I didn't have to face the fact that without it... I am not the full expression of who I know I am.

Constantly filling up on food where that is truly not what I need nor want in those times. After dark... when everyone has gone to bed.

The food numbing the feelings inside. The food replacing what I didn't know was accessible to others... intimacy... it's not about sex... it's about connection... it's about comfort... it's about being the crucible and the spear at the same time and sharing that openly with the partner you choose to have in your life.

This is who I am... I'm not asking for you to agree with me, believe what I believe or assimilate. I am asking to be a crucible where I feel I can be...

Be seen for who I am.

Be heard for what I say.

Be recognized for what I've done.

Be held when I need the strength.

It shouldn't be a struggle. It shouldn't be hard. It should just be. And if you don't feel you have that within... what is going to become?

I am.

I will no longer hide from myself.

These cloaks I have put on over the years (cloaks = pounds) are coming off, I am through hiding behind them.

Tomorrow is a new day... and there is always more.

Things to notice... things to consider... things to honor

Some fear and lots of rage as well. For me I sucked it up at home, fed my rage instead of expressing it... the irrational fear underlying this was if I spoke up I would be dismissed or passed off... which for me equalled being unloved. I would only allow myself to express my rage at school, through bullying and rebellion.

Not engaging in my fire as it arises. This cloak I wear allows me to stay small in the times I choose. To remain well liked and not a bitch. It allowed me to be tough to create a facade and demand to be seen. I remember giving food to others, trying to buy their love and affection, buying friendships. Trying to express to others their worth to me by buying them things.

Cloaking myself so I can build a thick skin...
Often told I am too sensitive and take things to heart, that I'm messed up... I needed a thick skin to get by. So I fed the rage that I felt as I was being passed off or disregarded.

Shoveled food in my mouth at the dinner table... forcing it down as I tried to hold back the tears.

Feeding my rage after a fight with my sister instead of standing up for myself... not wanting to express my rage because that would make me like her. So I would leave and eat at a friends house... then come back home and eat again as her apologies often came in the form of an especially delicious treat.

It was one fucked up reality... and I survived it, I built up my outer shell and made myself toughen up... to suck it up.

So here I am at 31 yrs old... feeling I am ready to conquer the world, and I wonder why I am hanging on to this cloak?

Do I still feel the need to have a thick skin, a protective barrier?

Do I still think others will judge me? And who cares?

With my words and actions I have no fear of judgement... why is my appearances still a stumbling block for me?

It's soon time for me to get connected with my body... over due I think.

What do I see?

How do I feel in my own skin?

What is it like to notice me... without filters or judgment?

This week this is my main focus... notice how it feels. Notice when the rage bubbles up and what triggers it. Notice why I am engaging in the behaviours when I engage in them... noticing how my body feels when I do it.

Taking time to listen to my body, honoring my needs, sleep, rest, thirst, move, etc.

The Conversations Begin

I'm about to embark on these conversations with Louise... after 28 years of battling with weight.

What do I hope to happen at the end of these conversations?

• Metabolizing the information
• Honoring the waves
• Consciously choosing in the moment
• Breathing
• Moving
• Integrating
• Living
• Being

It begins now...