Some fear and lots of rage as well. For me I sucked it up at home, fed my rage instead of expressing it... the irrational fear underlying this was if I spoke up I would be dismissed or passed off... which for me equalled being unloved. I would only allow myself to express my rage at school, through bullying and rebellion.
Not engaging in my fire as it arises. This cloak I wear allows me to stay small in the times I choose. To remain well liked and not a bitch. It allowed me to be tough to create a facade and demand to be seen. I remember giving food to others, trying to buy their love and affection, buying friendships. Trying to express to others their worth to me by buying them things.
Cloaking myself so I can build a thick skin...
Often told I am too sensitive and take things to heart, that I'm messed up... I needed a thick skin to get by. So I fed the rage that I felt as I was being passed off or disregarded.
Shoveled food in my mouth at the dinner table... forcing it down as I tried to hold back the tears.
Feeding my rage after a fight with my sister instead of standing up for myself... not wanting to express my rage because that would make me like her. So I would leave and eat at a friends house... then come back home and eat again as her apologies often came in the form of an especially delicious treat.
It was one fucked up reality... and I survived it, I built up my outer shell and made myself toughen up... to suck it up.
So here I am at 31 yrs old... feeling I am ready to conquer the world, and I wonder why I am hanging on to this cloak?
Do I still feel the need to have a thick skin, a protective barrier?
Do I still think others will judge me? And who cares?
With my words and actions I have no fear of judgement... why is my appearances still a stumbling block for me?
It's soon time for me to get connected with my body... over due I think.
What do I see?
How do I feel in my own skin?
What is it like to notice me... without filters or judgment?
This week this is my main focus... notice how it feels. Notice when the rage bubbles up and what triggers it. Notice why I am engaging in the behaviours when I engage in them... noticing how my body feels when I do it.
Taking time to listen to my body, honoring my needs, sleep, rest, thirst, move, etc.
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