The Beginning

I am tired.

I feel icky.

My clothes no longer fit properly. I have literally busted out of some pants (rips, tears) hmm that is very interesting tear as in tearing clothes is spelt the same as tear... or maybe I just suck at spelling.

I am feeling lethargic.

I am beginning to feel depressed.

I am feeling large but not a good way. Actually huge comes to mind for me.

I decided I have to do something about it. How is that going to happen?

It can only happen one way, I have to do something to change it.

I'm going to be getting married sometime soon. I haven't set a date yet because I needed to be certain of somethings, now that I am sure of my upcoming marriage, I need to feel good about myself. And there is only one thing I am not feeling good about... my weight, size, health. I can be very happy being overweight as long as I feel good physically and mentally.

Hmm, or is that statement just one that I have always said to myself to make me feel alright with myself?

I need to get active again. I need to start eating to sustain my health not detract from it eating as a form of controlling my life, my surroundings, my anger, my spite.

I want to be able to walk by chocolate and not feel like I have to hurry up and eat them before they are gone. I want to not feel like I have to hide it... because man do I hide it.

As a child I hid it, as a teenager I sneaked it. As an adult I'm back to hiding it. Waiting for everyone to be in bed or out of the house then eating mindlessly because I can. Because I had a hard day. Because I can't possibly eat this in front of people so this is the only time to do it.

And I did this just today. Just now before starting this forum... because its Easter, the bunny was here for the kids and the baby is sleeping, Jessica is out of the house, and Mike is at work.

And I feel disgusting... I feel horrible about why I did that, and not having an answer.

This is going to be a major decloaking for me.

Talking about all of these issues that are so very personal to me.

Things I am ashamed of not only because I know better but because growing up I was taught to be ashamed of it. I was verbally, emotionally and physically abused in my past all surrounding food, inactivity and my outward appearances. That all sticks to the very make up of my cells and is something I want to make sure stops here.

Last year I started my journey on my interior self, my discovery of who I am and what makes me tick; see my Exploring Our Potential Blog. Today I start my journey on my exterior self, to match the both together... to create a Whole Healthy Me.