Triggers

Annoyance, agitation, boredom, anger, all were triggers for me to go to the fridge or the cupboard.

On Friday night I was bored out of my tree, asking Mike to go out with me ANY where. There was nothing on TV, nothing much to do. I didn't want to go out with Sara (my 3 yr old) again by myself.

I kept bugging Mike, lets go out, let do something, ANYTHING.

He did not want to go out, he has been working all week (I've been on vacation), he was tired and wanting to sit back and do nothing.

Okay so what can I do, my mind immediately started to think about what food I can eat and I noticed it. So I told Mike... "we need to go do something I am starting to think about what I can eat now to occupy myself".

Thankfully that was his cue to suck it up and go shopping with me.

I don't think anyone who has never had any food issues realizes just how much it consumes your days. Mostly on the reactive side of things as something to do when I am bored. As something to do when I am angry and remain silent. As something to do to distract myself from something that is annoying me.

Food for many years served as a tool, a strategy instead of sustenance for my physical body.

It is making the difference this time around where I am noticing the underlying reasons behind the trigger to grab something to eat.

It is important for me to continue to consciously choose in the moments where that trigger happens.

Do I indulge this impulse? Do I choose to not indulge and look at the bigger picture?

I am choosing the latter more often than not lately. I feel strong when I do.

Deprivation of something isn't the same... I had some of Sara's Ice Cream Cake for her birthday party last night... somethings need to be eaten... I believe family birthday cake has no calories!

Tomorrow I go back to work after being off for 2 weeks. I need to plan my meals for the week today to make things easier. After all making 2 different meals at meal time is time consuming and I wouldn't want to slack off for the sake of time.

Until next time... choosing mindfully in the moment.

Transformation... coming home.

I don't know what day I am in on my newly declared journey of healthy self. What I do know is that I feel good.

Really good. My personal physical transformation... more of a home coming really, to the person I am.

Not needing to hide from myself. Not needing to stifle my emotions with food (instead welcoming breath). Not needing to dampen my rage by smothering it with mindless eating. It was about control for me... among other things, and I am CHOOSING to be consciously in control.

Standing at cause no longer a victim to my past, my unexpressed emotions, my habits, my vices... all strategies that no longer serve me.

As each day passes and I reflect on how the day was for me in this journey I see that I am on track because I have declared it. I am standing in the now and moving forward.

Enough is Enough

I sit here each time I write on my other blog and I wonder to myself... why did I ever start this second blog? A Whole Healthy Me... why did I decide to put myself out there with one of the greatest struggles I have in my life?

I noticed that my last published entry was in April of this year. APRIL... and that was about my CD not about my journey to whole health.

I have been happily keeping myself busy and occupied with other things I am passionate about, leadership, parenting, writing and having fun with my family. I have allowed these things to become an excuse for my lack of commitment on this end of things. Perhaps my fears of failure? This rings true.

I still find myself waiting at the end of the day until everyone is in bed then raiding the cupboards and the refrigerator. I am not hungry, yet I know that I can be "bad" and eat crap without judgment of others... just have to worry about my self.

So what is holding me back? Does it matter? No, I can simply choose in the now without worry about my history and past successes and failures. I can simply stand in the now and choose differently.

I have dreamt of myself recently much like the woman pictured on the right of this screen. Strong, powerful, a presence to be reckoned with. This is who I am inside, yet when I get up in front of a group of people there is still a part of me wondering just who do they see in front of them? An overweight woman? A fat, lazy pig? A fraud who talks about authentic self, being true and speaking authentically... yet obviously by my appearance I do not live that way myself?

My mother has been doing fantastic in the past 11 weeks she has shed 25 lbs!!! We talked a bit last night about why I stopped what I had started at the same time as her. I made another excuse of how it is hard to eat differently when everyone in my house is not. I am the only one with a weight issue and my family does not need to loose anything.

Then when she pointed out how I could eat basically the same food at the same time I found another excuse. Well i don't have time for breakfast at home I need to eat it at work and I can't bring an omelet to work.

And I notice how one after another the excuses fell out of my mouth... and as they did they left a really bitter taste. I began to cry... this is not me. This is not how I know I should look like. I used to ham it up for the camera... now I hate to see myself in a picture. I know this is why I don't go and get family pictures done... I want to see the beauty of my family when I look at the portrait... I can't see that right now when I look at myself.

Putting on masks. This phrase comes to mind, no one in my life knows exactly how horrible I actually feel about this aspect of my life. I keep wishing it would change, but it will not until I take action.

This is my ENOUGH IS ENOUGH point. I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of wondering what others might be thinking or saying about me. I am so tired of not sitting down on the bus because I am afraid I might not fit in between two people. I am so tired of being embarrassed and ashamed. And no one can fix it for me! I must take my life into my own hands and move forward to create the type of life I want. IN ALL ASPECTS!

Taking off the mask, and putting the energy of hiding into the energy of action.

Life is damn good... I really must realize this when it comes to my whole self too.