Enough is Enough

I sit here each time I write on my other blog and I wonder to myself... why did I ever start this second blog? A Whole Healthy Me... why did I decide to put myself out there with one of the greatest struggles I have in my life?

I noticed that my last published entry was in April of this year. APRIL... and that was about my CD not about my journey to whole health.

I have been happily keeping myself busy and occupied with other things I am passionate about, leadership, parenting, writing and having fun with my family. I have allowed these things to become an excuse for my lack of commitment on this end of things. Perhaps my fears of failure? This rings true.

I still find myself waiting at the end of the day until everyone is in bed then raiding the cupboards and the refrigerator. I am not hungry, yet I know that I can be "bad" and eat crap without judgment of others... just have to worry about my self.

So what is holding me back? Does it matter? No, I can simply choose in the now without worry about my history and past successes and failures. I can simply stand in the now and choose differently.

I have dreamt of myself recently much like the woman pictured on the right of this screen. Strong, powerful, a presence to be reckoned with. This is who I am inside, yet when I get up in front of a group of people there is still a part of me wondering just who do they see in front of them? An overweight woman? A fat, lazy pig? A fraud who talks about authentic self, being true and speaking authentically... yet obviously by my appearance I do not live that way myself?

My mother has been doing fantastic in the past 11 weeks she has shed 25 lbs!!! We talked a bit last night about why I stopped what I had started at the same time as her. I made another excuse of how it is hard to eat differently when everyone in my house is not. I am the only one with a weight issue and my family does not need to loose anything.

Then when she pointed out how I could eat basically the same food at the same time I found another excuse. Well i don't have time for breakfast at home I need to eat it at work and I can't bring an omelet to work.

And I notice how one after another the excuses fell out of my mouth... and as they did they left a really bitter taste. I began to cry... this is not me. This is not how I know I should look like. I used to ham it up for the camera... now I hate to see myself in a picture. I know this is why I don't go and get family pictures done... I want to see the beauty of my family when I look at the portrait... I can't see that right now when I look at myself.

Putting on masks. This phrase comes to mind, no one in my life knows exactly how horrible I actually feel about this aspect of my life. I keep wishing it would change, but it will not until I take action.

This is my ENOUGH IS ENOUGH point. I am so tired of being fat. I am so tired of wondering what others might be thinking or saying about me. I am so tired of not sitting down on the bus because I am afraid I might not fit in between two people. I am so tired of being embarrassed and ashamed. And no one can fix it for me! I must take my life into my own hands and move forward to create the type of life I want. IN ALL ASPECTS!

Taking off the mask, and putting the energy of hiding into the energy of action.

Life is damn good... I really must realize this when it comes to my whole self too.