It's been a week since I left Oceanstone and the Huna Retreat. There was one point during the weekend when we were having a conversation about the 3 selves that something different resonated for me.
For those who are not familiar with the 3 selves it is depicted almost like a snowman made of equal sized parts. All of these parts embody your being. Higher Self (signal, impulse, intuition), Middle Self (intellect, analysing) and Lower Self (Body, feeling, physical cues, processing).
In this particular conversation Louise was talking about how we are taught to cut off part of ourselves... that these 3 things are not all us. And in this conversation she was talking about how we use our intellect to control or dictate ourselves into submission (i.e. will power) and by doing so we ignore what else might be going on (bigger picture).
This clicked for me in my whole eating conversation. I have tried and tried, over and over to use will power to change my behavior. It changes, temporarily. But inevitably my body signals are responding (i.e. I get pissed off at someone/something, I get depressed/sad) and instead of engaging in those feelings and breathing through them, I choose to shove food in my mouth to suppress them.
This isn't working for me (obviously I'm still here writing about it).
So the question is... how do I engage from here? Do I merely stand in the place of my authentic self, moment to moment. Engaging or changing my mind however I feel compelled to live? Or is there something else here?
I don't know for sure. But what I do know is that will power isn't a be all and end all for me (it might work for some but it hasn't been for me yet).
How is my transformation going to unfold? Who can say for sure... it hasn't happened yet. But it has begun.
I'm looking forward to engaging in these conversations soon.
I know what it isn't about. Does it really matter what it is about?
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
See no Evil, Speak no Evil, Hear no Evil
So how difficult and I allowing this one to be?
Is it because this is the biggest most intense information that is held within my body?
Is it because in every cell I hold information from my past, from the names, from the looks, from the well intended yet misguided "help" to get me to lose weight?
Is it because I am still allowing myself to be a victim to my past? To allow those thoughts of disgust in who I am and what I look like to still reside in my body and ultimately limit who I am and will become?
I know that in these conversations lie the key to my lifelong happiness.
I know that these thoughts are so immense inside of me and I have not let them out because of their intensity.
I know that conversations surrounding obesity and body image make others uncomfortable.
I know that people automatically try to make it better for you by dismissing it in a way. Whether it is by telling you how beautiful you are as a person, that this is all they see and notice. Or by telling you what to eat or not eat. Or by telling you that you just need to replace it with exercises. End of conversations.
You stop because you know they are uncomfortable or don't understand and nothing moves. You bottle those feelings and emotions back up because really nobody wants to speak of such a disgusting and undesirable topic. For me one of the reasons I eat is to supress feelings... and the cycle resumes.
Seclusion. Shame. Self hate. Self deprecating talk. Guilt. RAGE.
Feeling of having this burden to carry around for the rest of my life... alone... my personal fight.
This isn't working for me. Should it be? Should I just be able to suck it up and stick it out? Get it done? Yet each time I do... it doesn't last.
Something is triggered eventually that I allow myself to enter the cycle once again.
I am afraid of what I am about to embark on with Louise. I am also very excited as I know IT WILL NO LONGER HAVE ANY HOLD ON ME!!!
Is it because this is the biggest most intense information that is held within my body?
Is it because in every cell I hold information from my past, from the names, from the looks, from the well intended yet misguided "help" to get me to lose weight?
Is it because I am still allowing myself to be a victim to my past? To allow those thoughts of disgust in who I am and what I look like to still reside in my body and ultimately limit who I am and will become?
I know that in these conversations lie the key to my lifelong happiness.
I know that these thoughts are so immense inside of me and I have not let them out because of their intensity.
I know that conversations surrounding obesity and body image make others uncomfortable.
I know that people automatically try to make it better for you by dismissing it in a way. Whether it is by telling you how beautiful you are as a person, that this is all they see and notice. Or by telling you what to eat or not eat. Or by telling you that you just need to replace it with exercises. End of conversations.
You stop because you know they are uncomfortable or don't understand and nothing moves. You bottle those feelings and emotions back up because really nobody wants to speak of such a disgusting and undesirable topic. For me one of the reasons I eat is to supress feelings... and the cycle resumes.
Seclusion. Shame. Self hate. Self deprecating talk. Guilt. RAGE.
Feeling of having this burden to carry around for the rest of my life... alone... my personal fight.
This isn't working for me. Should it be? Should I just be able to suck it up and stick it out? Get it done? Yet each time I do... it doesn't last.
Something is triggered eventually that I allow myself to enter the cycle once again.
I am afraid of what I am about to embark on with Louise. I am also very excited as I know IT WILL NO LONGER HAVE ANY HOLD ON ME!!!
Sunday, October 14, 2007
It's not about what I think it's about...
There is such shame and stigma surrounding the conversations of food, disorders and obesity that people like to try to hid from them and from themselves.
In a conversation tonight I mentioned to my friend about my engaging with Louise in conversations revolving around food, eating disorders, obesity and all the conversations in between.
She expressed to me that she knew this as Louise had referred to it in a blog entry surrounding upcoming events/projects. (I guess I need to check in the blogs more often over the weekends). And she also expressed her consciousness surrounding feeling like she wasn't as strong as she should be (physically).
I had a conversation with my father tonight as well. (Hi Dad!) As I told him about what I will be engaging with Louise about over the next 6 weeks or so (starting soon, not yet). He shared that he also feels a little self conscious at times now that he is not able to be as active as he has always been (running daily 10 km to walking to biking) due to his hips.
I also received an email from a WEL-Systems Catalyst whom I have not yet met. He wanted to write to me about my recent blog entry No Quick Fix and shared with me his experiences from his past surrounding similar issues. The waves that e-mail brought me are still lingering.
All of these conversations tonight reminded me that although as an obese woman (ugh I've never referred to myself as that before, I don't know if I will ever do it again) I may feel so very alone and that not many understand me or what I go through so many people are going through similar things and it all surrounds body image... and really what does that boil down to?
How do you... within yourself... feel about what you see in the mirror?
In a conversation tonight I mentioned to my friend about my engaging with Louise in conversations revolving around food, eating disorders, obesity and all the conversations in between.
She expressed to me that she knew this as Louise had referred to it in a blog entry surrounding upcoming events/projects. (I guess I need to check in the blogs more often over the weekends). And she also expressed her consciousness surrounding feeling like she wasn't as strong as she should be (physically).
I had a conversation with my father tonight as well. (Hi Dad!) As I told him about what I will be engaging with Louise about over the next 6 weeks or so (starting soon, not yet). He shared that he also feels a little self conscious at times now that he is not able to be as active as he has always been (running daily 10 km to walking to biking) due to his hips.
I also received an email from a WEL-Systems Catalyst whom I have not yet met. He wanted to write to me about my recent blog entry No Quick Fix and shared with me his experiences from his past surrounding similar issues. The waves that e-mail brought me are still lingering.
All of these conversations tonight reminded me that although as an obese woman (ugh I've never referred to myself as that before, I don't know if I will ever do it again) I may feel so very alone and that not many understand me or what I go through so many people are going through similar things and it all surrounds body image... and really what does that boil down to?
How do you... within yourself... feel about what you see in the mirror?
Friday, October 12, 2007
Decloaking, Declaring & Engaging
After contributing to this blog now and again, here and there as the spirit moves me to do so, since the beginning of April. It is slowly coming into the awareness of others. Hi Louise!
This is what I am realizing. My words here, my ability to be brutally honest about what I think, how I feel about things that most people would rather die from as opposed to expose to the world about... all of this can make a huge difference.
I have had an offer from someone I respect and think highly of (Louise) to engage is some sort of process over a period of time surrounding these conversations. Surrounding my obesity, my fears, my shame, my embarrassment, my whatever else may be associated with it.
To create something during this process that would help others during their own journeys.
My instinct is telling me this "secondary" blog is going to start to have much more action over the next 6 months or so, as I delve directly into the conversations surrounding my whole health in stead of dancing around it.
Ready, set go...
This is what I am realizing. My words here, my ability to be brutally honest about what I think, how I feel about things that most people would rather die from as opposed to expose to the world about... all of this can make a huge difference.
I have had an offer from someone I respect and think highly of (Louise) to engage is some sort of process over a period of time surrounding these conversations. Surrounding my obesity, my fears, my shame, my embarrassment, my whatever else may be associated with it.
To create something during this process that would help others during their own journeys.
My instinct is telling me this "secondary" blog is going to start to have much more action over the next 6 months or so, as I delve directly into the conversations surrounding my whole health in stead of dancing around it.
Ready, set go...
Monday, October 1, 2007
No Quick Fix
The excuses are abundant. My energy easily swayed to the next task.
As I prepared for this trip to Ottawa, my travel arrangements were being looked after by someone else. They sent me my itinerary for the approval of times. I accepted.
When I received my ticket from the airline I was mortified to realize they had me on a small plane. Small plane means smaller seats. Immediately my body was filled with shame and humiliation. For a few minutes I thought I'd just have to deal with it, I went on to see the measurements of the seats... not good.
So I checked online for other available flights on bigger planes, I checked their seat measurements... a few inches more, I called the office of the person who made my arrangements and while in the midst of a great amount of heat I explained to her that I am a plus size woman and I was concerned with my ability to fit in the seats of the smaller plane. As silent tears washed down my cheeks I explained that I knew I could 'squeeze' into a normal size seat but had a big fear that I wouldn't be able to do the same on the smaller plane.
Now stop for a minute while you are reading this. Take a breath and put your own self in these shoes, if you have never been here before. Have you ever considered these things would need to be considered by another passenger on the plane?
I got my new tickets and see that I am in a middle seat (this is also not too good). When I arrived at the airport I tried to see if there was anything available on a window or an aisle, this would provide me to sit differently as not to take up too much space next to me. There was no other option the flight was indeed packed tight, so I had to make sure I was one of the first people on for my sections seating. This way I could get settled in and adjust the seat belt prior to the others arrival.
As I sat and waited for the people on each side of me to arrive I tried to see what way I could sit to make me the smallest possible. As each person approached I made up stories in my head about how thankful they were not to have to sit next to me. Then I could see in the mans face who recognized he had to sit next to me.
And the tears are coming back to me now as I write about this... I was thankful he was elderly, I was perhaps most thankful he was in the window seat. This allowed me a little bit of time to buckle myself in and assume the position of squeezing my body to as small as I could get it. The next guy came, I couldn't look at him I was ashamed and I felt bad for them that they had to sit by me.
The flight was long, keeping myself squeezed in a small as I could for the whole flight, not allowing myself to move, trying to make myself unapproachable for conversation by putting my headset on (even though I couldn't make room to really plug it into the plug on the arm rest).
When we arrived and I could unfold I was relieved. My body this morning is so stiff and sore, I know what that is from.
Today I am going to walk over the bridge from Gatineau to my meetings in Downtown Ottawa. According to my mapquest it is just under 4 km so it's definitely do able.
I have been travelling alot lately and I've been using that as an excuse for eating poorly. My journey I started to be successful at has been reversed over the past 3 weeks. That of course will need to change. Who can change that? Myself, by consciously choosing not to be a victim to circumstance... choosing to eat well on the road, how hard is that? It's not really. Suck it Up Princess and get it done.
Tossing the chips in the garbage for housekeeping to throw out while I'm at my meetings today. There is no quick fix... or maybe there is if I quit making excuses....
As I prepared for this trip to Ottawa, my travel arrangements were being looked after by someone else. They sent me my itinerary for the approval of times. I accepted.
When I received my ticket from the airline I was mortified to realize they had me on a small plane. Small plane means smaller seats. Immediately my body was filled with shame and humiliation. For a few minutes I thought I'd just have to deal with it, I went on to see the measurements of the seats... not good.
So I checked online for other available flights on bigger planes, I checked their seat measurements... a few inches more, I called the office of the person who made my arrangements and while in the midst of a great amount of heat I explained to her that I am a plus size woman and I was concerned with my ability to fit in the seats of the smaller plane. As silent tears washed down my cheeks I explained that I knew I could 'squeeze' into a normal size seat but had a big fear that I wouldn't be able to do the same on the smaller plane.
Now stop for a minute while you are reading this. Take a breath and put your own self in these shoes, if you have never been here before. Have you ever considered these things would need to be considered by another passenger on the plane?
I got my new tickets and see that I am in a middle seat (this is also not too good). When I arrived at the airport I tried to see if there was anything available on a window or an aisle, this would provide me to sit differently as not to take up too much space next to me. There was no other option the flight was indeed packed tight, so I had to make sure I was one of the first people on for my sections seating. This way I could get settled in and adjust the seat belt prior to the others arrival.
As I sat and waited for the people on each side of me to arrive I tried to see what way I could sit to make me the smallest possible. As each person approached I made up stories in my head about how thankful they were not to have to sit next to me. Then I could see in the mans face who recognized he had to sit next to me.
And the tears are coming back to me now as I write about this... I was thankful he was elderly, I was perhaps most thankful he was in the window seat. This allowed me a little bit of time to buckle myself in and assume the position of squeezing my body to as small as I could get it. The next guy came, I couldn't look at him I was ashamed and I felt bad for them that they had to sit by me.
The flight was long, keeping myself squeezed in a small as I could for the whole flight, not allowing myself to move, trying to make myself unapproachable for conversation by putting my headset on (even though I couldn't make room to really plug it into the plug on the arm rest).
When we arrived and I could unfold I was relieved. My body this morning is so stiff and sore, I know what that is from.
Today I am going to walk over the bridge from Gatineau to my meetings in Downtown Ottawa. According to my mapquest it is just under 4 km so it's definitely do able.
I have been travelling alot lately and I've been using that as an excuse for eating poorly. My journey I started to be successful at has been reversed over the past 3 weeks. That of course will need to change. Who can change that? Myself, by consciously choosing not to be a victim to circumstance... choosing to eat well on the road, how hard is that? It's not really. Suck it Up Princess and get it done.
Tossing the chips in the garbage for housekeeping to throw out while I'm at my meetings today. There is no quick fix... or maybe there is if I quit making excuses....
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