See no Evil, Speak no Evil, Hear no Evil

So how difficult and I allowing this one to be?

Is it because this is the biggest most intense information that is held within my body?

Is it because in every cell I hold information from my past, from the names, from the looks, from the well intended yet misguided "help" to get me to lose weight?

Is it because I am still allowing myself to be a victim to my past? To allow those thoughts of disgust in who I am and what I look like to still reside in my body and ultimately limit who I am and will become?

I know that in these conversations lie the key to my lifelong happiness.

I know that these thoughts are so immense inside of me and I have not let them out because of their intensity.

I know that conversations surrounding obesity and body image make others uncomfortable.

I know that people automatically try to make it better for you by dismissing it in a way. Whether it is by telling you how beautiful you are as a person, that this is all they see and notice. Or by telling you what to eat or not eat. Or by telling you that you just need to replace it with exercises. End of conversations.

You stop because you know they are uncomfortable or don't understand and nothing moves. You bottle those feelings and emotions back up because really nobody wants to speak of such a disgusting and undesirable topic. For me one of the reasons I eat is to supress feelings... and the cycle resumes.

Seclusion. Shame. Self hate. Self deprecating talk. Guilt. RAGE.

Feeling of having this burden to carry around for the rest of my life... alone... my personal fight.

This isn't working for me. Should it be? Should I just be able to suck it up and stick it out? Get it done? Yet each time I do... it doesn't last.

Something is triggered eventually that I allow myself to enter the cycle once again.

I am afraid of what I am about to embark on with Louise. I am also very excited as I know IT WILL NO LONGER HAVE ANY HOLD ON ME!!!